Richard, a doctoral student in one of my graduate school courses, stood 6’2 tall, strikingly handsome, and popular with all of us, his fellow classmates. His brilliant grades and muscular lean physique pointed to his equal dedication to both, his intellectual endeavors, and his fitness. Despite numerous admirers, invitations to parties, and dates, Richard remained single throughout the whole 3 years of our graduate training. Long before I had my Beverly Hills and Valencia clinics, specializing in couples counseling, I was deeply interested in love and relationships. Richard was a bit of an enigma. Good looking, successful, and fun to be around, he seemed to be out of luck in love.

We had many conversations, mostly about things we both had in common – school, and fitness. Once in a while Richard would bring up his love life. I recall him say once: “I don’t know, Harel. It is just so hard to find the right person. And besides, between my work and school, there is not much time left.” What Richard did not mention is his rigorous training regimen. He would wake up in 4:30 am, run 5 miles, after which he would be at the gym at 6:00 am for his weight training. After work he was back in the gym. Quite frankly, I was surprised he had energy for anything else, such as work and school. Once I pointed out to him how tight and full his schedule is, and how little wiggle room he allows for other things to interfere with his routine. He nodded: “Yes, you are right.”

Richard is not the only one for whom inflexible life routine was in the way of developing a love connection. As a psychotherapist I noticed that inflexible life routine is one of the common culprits preventing romance and intimacy in ones life. We all have some sort of a routine, a strategy of getting through the day and accomplishing our tasks. Many of us have busy and full schedules that require creativity to manage all of our commitments. It is not just having a routine, and not even having a busy routine that undermines the creating of romance and relationships. So if it is not just a routine, and not even a busy routine, what is it?

The cause for extended and unwelcome singlehood is a rigid, inflexible life routine. Deliberate lack of flexibility means: “This is how I do things, and this is the only way I am willing to have things done.” From my observations it seems like a rigid routine is a good predictor of one’s single status. For couples I see in couples therapy and marriage counseling a rigid routine often means diminished intimacy and boredom. For singles, however, it usually means continued singlehood. Lack of flexibility in ones life leaves little to no space for another to join in and bring something of their own into the newly formed union.

Once two people join each others lives and become a couple, things can never stay the same. Schedules, leisure activities, personal choices of furniture, and even restaurants one dines in might require adjustment to consider the preferences of the other half of the couple. Entering a relationship means inviting change into one’s life. Relationship and togetherness are impossible without change. Deciding to rigidly commit to ones life routine many times also means giving up on the possibility of creating a significant loving relationship in one’s life.

From time to time I have clients come in to either Valencia or Beverly Hills clinic, asking for help in creating a loving intimate relationship, since they feel no longer satisfied with being single. Sometimes I also see couples in couples counseling who complain of falling into rut. In these cases it is obviously a problem because clients identified it as such. However, it is important for me to clarify that these are not right or wrong choices to make. For some of us, take Richard for example, a rigorous fitness routine could be more satisfying than dating and relationships. These are valid personal choices. On the other hand, it is important to realize that something as simple as a creative readjustment of ones routine could be a first step toward the loving relationships some of us want. How empowering it is to know we are creating our own love opportunities and there are steps we can take to open our lives for the relationship we have been longing for!

This flat representation of the relationship dynamic is not helpful in marriage counseling. It dumbs down the complexity of the issue and prevents couples counseling from getting to the root of the issue. Marriage is a complex dance of intimacy in which both partners are responsible for the relationships they create. Instead of taking the flat one-dimensional perspective of good vs. bad, victim vs. perpetrator, it might be more helpful to assume the 3D approach. The three dimensions we are talking about are three different perspectives playing themselves out within the dynamic of infidelity.

The two obvious perspectives are these of each partner in the relationship. Each partner brings in their expectations, needs, and wishes into the relationship, along with their own baggage, limitations, and psychological resources to cope with the challenges of intimacy. The third perspective is the interaction of the two prior dimensions to create the third – the dimension of the relationship itself. The whole of the relationship becomes bigger than the parts this relationship is composed of.

In 3D approach there are no victims and perpetrators. Instead of placing the blame, we place responsibility. Instead of splitting the partners into categories of good and bad, we understand that both partners are responsible for creating the relationship which gave birth to infidelity. An affair is not viewed as separate element from the relationship, but rather as a symptom of the relationship.

Just like physical discomfort and pain can be an indication that ones health requires attention, an affair is a sign that the relationship requires urgent attention. It might be that the needs of one or both partners are not met, appropriate boundaries are not set, connection and love are not nurtured, etc. The same symptom can have many different underlying causes in different relationships. Once encountered with infidelity many couples choose to work through the challenging times with the help of marriage counseling. Couples counseling is a way for the couple to press pause and re-examine their relationship.  Couples counselor is there to help the couple process what happened, resolve the negative feelings and explore ways to use the affair as a tool to build a better, closer, and more intimate relationship. Without hardship there is no triumph.

Interestingly enough, couples counseling has the same agenda of restoring the balance within the relationship or marriage, and allow each party to have a voice and a fair representation within the dyad. Each partner brings their desires, wishes and dreams into the relationships, as well as their expectations from their partner. The happiness and satisfaction of the partners within the relationship is dependent on how well their union fulfills their desires, wishes and expectations. Of course, negotiation and compromise is an important aspect of finding the golden middle, and just like the saying goes, the opposites might attract, but the similarities are the ones to stay together.

Couples counseling and marriage counseling is there to support the couple during a difficult time, provide tools to resolve the accumulated hard feelings within the relationship, and help the couple find a place of balance, where each partner has a fair share of influence, and each one is able to meet their needs as well as the needs of their mate in a best possible manner. Many times relationships and marriage is not about the maximum bliss, but the optimal balance between the joy and the challenges of togetherness.

It seems that even a hundred years after Sigmund Freud we still are unsure what psychotherapist does, and how psychotherapy, couples counseling and marriage counseling work. One of the possible reasons for the mystique surrounding the field of psychotherapy and couples counseling is due to the multitude of counseling approaches. I believe clients have the right to know everything there is to know about the service they are purchasing. In the Beverly Hills and Valencia couples counseling and marriage counseling clinics I clarify the Relationship Empowerment process to my clients at the very beginning of our work together.

Relationship Empowerment process of marriage counseling and couples counseling is quite unique. It uses advanced therapeutic methodology that allows singles and couples to achieve a profound transformation in amazingly short time.  To be more specific, individual relationship help for a client who is currently single and interested in finding their desired relationship or for a client who would like to come in without their spouse, takes between 4 and 5 two-hour sessions. Couples counseling and marriage counseling is a slightly longer process and is likely to require between 7 and 9 two-hour sessions. My clients mentioned appreciating the clear and concise timeframe, and commented that they have received much more than what they came for.

Beverly Hills and Valencia Relationship Empowerment clinics use 3 Power-Steps to create rapid and profound transformation in clients’ lives and relationships. The first Power-Step is Awareness. During this step we look into the history of couples relationship, as well as individual histories of the clients. Having full and accurate information is crucial and allows us to pinpoint the root of the problem. Defining the problem also defines the path toward its resolution. During the Power-Step of Awareness we obtain relationship values of each partner. Relationship values reveal some of the forces playing out in the relationship dynamic. It is during this step that we also clearly define the ultimate goal for our work as well as the evidence procedure which will show us that our work has been a total success. The Awareness Power-Step is a crucial step that identifies both the problem and the solution. The next steps rely on the information obtained during this step.

The second Power-Step is Release.  This is where I, as a psychotherapist, take on a more active role and help clients let go of the baggage. Releasing anger, sadness, fear, guilt, and hurt liberates us to live life from a perspective of abundance and love, clearing the path toward the prosperous and nourishing relationship. We further let go of past limiting decisions we made with ourselves about ourselves and the world. These are old beliefs that no longer serve us. Letting go of limiting beliefs allows clients to look into the world and their relationship through a new pair of eyes, realizing there are many more unexplored options to have the loving and fulfilling relationships they want.

The third and last Power-Step is Co-Creating. After the release work has been done and the baggage is left behind, now we can create the loving relationship clients want to enjoy. During this step we re-evaluate and re-align relationship values to match the relationship goals clients previously defined.  We also put the relationship goals and desires of the clients in their future. This is like planting the seeds and allowing them to grow and bring the fruits of love and fun. We also strengthen the intimate bond in the couple and summarize all the wonderful work that has been completed.

For a psychologist and psychotherapist there are few things more rewarding than seen happy and smiling faces of their clients during their final psychotherapy session. Your success is always my success as well.

Being a psychologist and a psychotherapist specializing in couples counseling and marriage counseling is something I truly love. Answering client’s question required me to put all the richness of couples counseling process into few simple words. I was up for this challenge. Psychotherapy always comes with some degree of explaining and helping the client become more aware. After providing a brief explanation of what couples counseling and marriage counseling is and scheduling an appointment, I realized that this question must be shared by many others. It is common to have an air of mystery and vagueness around the question of what a psychologist or a psychotherapist does, and how psychotherapy works.

Since my specialty is couples counseling I decided to explain the general process for the broad public. As a consumer I would like to know what service to get and how a service I am getting will benefit me and my life. Psychotherapy is a service like any other, and it is my job as a psychologist to explain the service, the process, and the benefits. In my practice in Beverly Hills and Valencia this is usually the topic of the very first conversation with my clients. I am doing my best to explain what to expect in marriage counseling and how it works. Here I will do the same for all of us to demystify and outline the general stages of psychotherapy in general, and couples counseling specifically.

1.  Presenting Problem.

First step of counseling frequently occurs even before the clients see the psychotherapist. In an initial phone conversation to schedule an appointment many times the general issue that brings the clients into therapy is discussed. This initial step is important for the clients to assure that this particular psychotherapist is well equipped to deal with the issue at hand. It is important for me as a psychologist, since this is when I am deciding whether it would be appropriate for me to see these clients based on my specialty, expertise, and experience.

2. Before The Initial Appointment

Federal and State Law outline several requirements for counselors and therapists to follow. In order to comply with these legal requirements and provide clients with high quality service therapist and counselors usually will ask their clients to sign documents that confirm clients’ understanding of their rights and their voluntary decision to seek counseling services. States differ in their legal requirements and the paperwork that clients have to complete might differ slightly from state to state.

3. Initial Appointments

When we see our clients for the first time the objective is to obtain the relevant history that brought the clients all the way up to now and their current situation. This is a crucial part of the process. The information obtained during this step is used to fully understand and flesh out the presenting problem. It is very important to define the problem correctly since the next steps in the therapeutic process will be building upon this step. We can think of a diagnosis in a medical field being an equivalent to defining a problem. A medical treatment will only be effective if we are treating the right thing! It works similarly in psychotherapy. I emphasize the importance of this information-gathering phase with my Beverly Hills and Valencia clients to help them understand this point. This step might take up to 3 hours with a single individual and up to 4-5 hours with a couple. This is usually the reason for initial appointment, aka intake, being a longer appointment.

4. Redefining The Presenting Problem And Setting Goals.

Once all of the relevant historic information as well as the information regarding currently experienced difficulties have been discussed, we will sharpen our defined presenting problem. Psychotherapist may choose to share his specific understanding of the root of the problem with the clients and arrive to an agreement. Once the presenting problem is clear, it is a good time to set goals and describe what would it look like when the clients successfully completed the therapy. This is very important since defining the desirable outcome sets direction to the therapy, and also provides a measurement tool for clients to know when they reached their destination. Psychotherapy is NOT an indefinite process. There is a beginning, and an end. Setting clearly defined sound goals helps both the psychologist and the clients to know when they have completed the necessary work. It is unnecessary to set a separate time frame for this step, since many times it is the logical outcome of step 2.

5. Intervention

This is the step where the actual intervention to resolve the presenting problem and bring clients to their desired outcome takes place. This step differs vastly between different schools of thought and psychotherapy approaches. The specific approach I use with my clients in the Beverly Hills and Valencia Relationship Empowerment clinics is different from most traditional couples counseling approaches. The goal of this step is for the clients to confirm that they have reached their predefined destination and achieved the goals they defined in the beginning of counseling. The time frame for this step will largely depend on the approach used by the psychotherapist. Some approaches are rather brief, and some require years of commitment on the part of the clients. Relationship empowerment clinics in Beverly Hills and Valencia apply the latest methodology and advanced approach allowing for individual counseling to be successfully completed within 4-5 two hour sessions, and couples counseling to be successfully completed within 7-9 two hour sessions.

6. Completion

This is a fun part since both the clients and the therapist get to enjoy the fruits of their labor. The clients got what they wanted out of the counseling and currently enjoy a high quality of life, relationships, and wellbeing. The therapist feels good about the work that has been done well and enjoys seeing happy faces in the office. The goal of this stage, which usually takes 1-2 hours, is to summarize and solidify the work and the progress clients made, and to set future direction for further improvement and growth. During this time the therapist may choose to set a timeframe for clients to call in and report on their further progress and successes. These follow-up contacts serve to soften the completion of the counseling and to provide clients with additional support during this time.

These are the major stages in the counseling process and these stages are true for individuals and for couples seeking help. Knowing what to expect makes it easier to take the first step toward the bigger and better you. Good luck and much success.

Let me share with you my personal caveat regarding appreciation. I come from a culture, no names mentioned, that does not believe in appreciation and praise. Since I did not have a chance to develop my appreciation skills early on, I had to be a quick learner. The ability to express my appreciation proved to be an essential skill not only for my relationships with others, but also for my relationships with myself. I had to develop the appreciation muscle to assure I could express praise and gratitude to those around me as well as myself.

While developing this appreciation muscle I had one profound realization. We have only one tool basket, and the tools we use in our relationships with others are the same tools we are using in our relationship with ourselves. For example, over-critical and harsh approach to others is always accompanied by an overcritical and harsh approach to self. By the same token, a loving approach to ourselves is likely to help us be loving and caring toward others. This is where I finally got it! You know how people say: “To love someone else you gotta love yourself first?” I finally got what it truly means.

This understanding had me take one more logical step forward and realize that if I ever want to be in a loving and wonderful relationship or marriage, I have to learn to love and appreciate myself. Not having gotten these skills growing up, I found myself on a journey of personal growth and spiritual awakening. I owned this not only to myself, but also to the Beverly Hills and Valencia couples that work with me in couples counseling and marriage counseling. Being a psychologist and a psychotherapist means carrying responsibility for those who come to you for help. I was ready for the next step on my path.

Our journey is expansively unfolding and as we progress through our accumulating life experiences we become more and more aware of how multifaceted and multitalented we truly are. Nobody is perfect, and at times we also learn about our shortcomings.  Having the knowledge and experience of our magnificent complexity and depth is essential to developing a profound sense of grounded self-appreciation.

The best way I know how to achieve this in depth familiarity with ourselves is through choosing a spiritual path. I would like to emphasize that we are not talking about religion here – not at all.  Even if you do practice a religious tradition, you have to pick a spiritual path within this tradition. My clients in Beverly Hills and Valencia are at times surprised hearing this from their psychologist and psychotherapist. Psychologists rarely address the topic of spirituality, however, it is one of the key human experiences. Many couples coming to couples counseling and marriage counseling seek a deeper bond with each other, a sense of connection and belonging, which touches the deeper layers of our being.

Spiritual path is your own personal journey of self-discovery and of making sense of the Universe you live in. We can only appreciate what we know and value. Spiritual path is the journey we take to discover our personal meaning of life, our place in the Universe, the purpose of our life journey, the things we value in life, and ,of course, who we truly are. Knowing who we are is a key toward the understanding and appreciation of ourselves.

Practices of connecting with our inner core offer another venue of self-discovery and self-appreciation. For example, such spiritual practice as meditation, in its vast diversity of approaches, offers a unique way of quieting our conscious mind and strengthening our contact with deeper layers of our psyche. For some, these internal practices are the golden road of self-discovery and self-appreciation.

Internally driven meditative practices are not the only way toward self-discovery. For some, externally driven path may be better suited. Action in all its forms is a powerful tool of self-discovery. When our thoughts, feelings, and behavior is geared toward creating good in the world, we are on the path of learning and spiritual growth, leading to self-appreciation. One of my spiritual teachers said to me once: “Give what you lack, and it shall come back to you.” Several of my clients in Beverly Hills and Valencia pointed out that this insight helped them transform their relationships and continue making it better after their couples counseling and marriage counseling was complete.

The last key element of developing self-appreciation is having an attitude of absolute integrity. Regardless of whether someone is watching or not, do the right thing. Your inner core knows what is right. Once you are doing the right thing every single time it is easy to have an attitude of self-respect and self-appreciation. Using the words of Don Miguel Ruiz: “Always do your best.”

Thus far we have talked about several key elements on the path toward self-appreciation: choosing a spiritual path, engaging in internally and externally driven practices of spiritual growth, and abiding by the principle of absolute integrity. Once you’ve made your choices, found the right practices for you, and committed to your spiritual path, self-appreciation is only one of your many blessings, including wonderful and fulfilling intimate relationships.

Social interconnectedness and interpersonal relationships is a basic human need. Our social relationships change shape as we progress through our lives. In time the new kind of relationships emerge – intimate relationships. Couples that come to my couples counseling practice in Beverly Hills and Valencia can attest to the importance of intimate relationships in adulthood. The purpose of intimate relationships is to fulfill the need of love and connection on the deepest possible level. The ideal intimate relationship is where the physical connection is accompanied by an emotional bond, a mental unison of values, beliefs, and goals, and by a spiritual sense of belonging and togetherness. The connection of physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual levels create the ultimate sense of love, belonging, and interconnectedness. In marriage counseling and couples counseling psychotherapist focuses on realigning these four levels of relationships to strengthen the bond and enhance intimacy within the couple.

Our Western culture at times presents the initial infatuation, the falling in love, the initial crush as the actual love bond and the foundation of intimacy, relationships, and marriage. This could not be further from the truth. The younger Beverly Hills and Valencia couples I see in psychotherapy many times come with a sense of loss and disappointment, since the infatuation is no longer there. The infatuation phase is thrilling and fun, with lots of exciting anticipations and cravings. It is the initial impulse that pushes two people to get closer and focus their attention on each other. This could lead to a profound bond and relationships, however, there is one point that psychotherapist has to make clear in couples counseling as well as marriage counseling:  the infatuation is neither sufficient nor necessary component in developing intimate relationships.

Infatuation, by definition, is grounded in fantasy with a strong component of denial. We idealize the object of our desire, almost purposefully ignoring anything that does not fit into the ideal image we created in our mind. Infatuation is a potent hallucinogenic, allowing us to twist and adjust our reality to sustain the ideal image of the person we desire, which in turn sustains the state of infatuation. This is fun, but it is not intimate relationships. At times psychologist and psychotherapist conducting couples counseling or marriage counseling is faced with the challenge of helping the couple understand the true nature of intimacy.

Intimate relationships and marriage in their ideal form are grounded in knowing, rather than denial. It takes time to get to know your lover, partner, and spouse. If we examine all the levels of connection we are hoping to experience in our intimacy, aka physical, emotional, mental and spiritual, it is only the physical bond that can be forged instantly. The emotional, mental, and spiritual connections take time to build. Working as a psychologist and psychotherapist in Beverly Hills and Valencia conducting marriage counseling taught me that time in and of itself is not enough. Getting to know your spouse also takes genuine desire to understand and to connect.

Spending time together, observing and interacting with each other in different situations and under different circumstances, sharing experiences, emotions, visions and goals create the sense of closeness, familiarity, and knowing. The true bond and deeper love lies in knowing each other’s shortcomings, rather than denying any imperfection. Through our awareness of each others faults we allow mutual acceptance to emerge. An expectation of perfection is substituted by a deeper understanding of each other’s humanness. The ideal fantasy is surrendered in favor of appreciation of who our spouse is. It is the understanding, acceptance, and appreciation that create the deeper bond.

Intimate relationships and marriage allow us to express our own nature and personality, observe ourselves, obtain a deeper understanding of our own beings, and grow from this insight. Marriage and relationships reveal sides of us that remain hidden from others and ourselves until triggered within the context of intimacy. Our relationships, once built solid and maintained regularly create a powerful foundation to our human existence. It is fortress that shelters us from a storm and the garden of eve, offering its ample and delicious fruits.

This wide-eyed “deer in the headlights” stare usually does very little to improve our situation and if anything, makes our spouse more upset. Apparently, lack of understanding in an argument is a poor defense strategy.  It incriminates us and makes us guilty until proven innocent, even if we are in a dark regarding the nature of our offense.To make things worse, the less clear we are about the reason for our partner’s upset, the more upset they get!

As a psychologist and a psychotherapist working in marriage counseling and couples counseling I have the unique opportunity of being invited to observe the relationships of my clients. In this article I am offering us to look into the Emotion Based Argument and strategies to make it go away, while improving our relationships. Think of it as a marriage counseling and couples counseling packaged in 5 quick minutes just for you.

The Emotion Based Argument (EBA), unlike the Reason Based Argument (RBA), is the argument that makes no sense. It is fueled by feelings and does not abide by the laws of logic and reason. When marriage counseling clients attempt to explain the argument, it rarely makes sense. The surface issue is just an excuse to have the argument and the emotions seem to be out of proportion in relationship to the issue couple seems to be arguing about.

Since the EBA is fueled by emotion, the more emotion is poured into the argument by a couple, the more out of hand the EBA can get.  In couples counseling and marriage counseling sessions I tend to intervene and stop these type of arguments, however, outside of my office the couple has to learn how to handle the EBA on their own. Knowing how to handle an EBA could be one of the major relationship savers, and once addressed, could provide a powerful source of connection and renewed intimacy for a couple.

Bringing logic to Emotion Based Argument is like bringing a knife to a gunfight. EBA tends to be more volatile than RBA and on the surface it also tends to make less sense. In my Beverly Hills and Valencia practice I learned that the EBAs actually seem to be more frequent in relationships. Finding a way to turn an EBA into an intimacy-enhancer is the purpose of this article. Instead of draining fights and emotional distance resulting from mutual misunderstanding, let’s make a good use of EBA and turn it into an eco-friendly energy source to power up our love and life!

Emotion Based Argument differs from Reason Based Argument, since it lacks a clear issue that caused the argument, or perhaps the emotional reaction to the issue at stake is out of proportion in relationship to the surface issue of the argument.  It is frequently accompanied with a thought “Why is s/he so upset about this small thing?”

The funny thing is that your partner might be as unclear about the reason for their upset as you are. Although the reason for the negative emotion fueling the argument might be a mystery, the emotion itself is being expressed through any immediately available venue, such as “Why didn’t you take out the trash!”

The key point here is that the surface issue is a non-issue. The root of the EBA lays deep underneath the surface, and knowing this now you are equipped by a relationship ninja skill to turn the toxic arguments into intimacy and passion in your relationship.

The root cause of the EBA is in the cause of negative emotion experienced by your partner. This could be not feeling loved, supported, nurtured, cared for, important, etc. It is not your job to guess – we can always ask.

The root issue also does not have to be part of the relationship or marriage, and could be a personal issue for your partner, such as health, career, existential crisis of meaning, etc. Whatever the issue might be, it generates negativity that is spilled into the relationship through one EBA or a pattern of EBAs that make a relationship or marriage challenging.

Now that you understand the Emotion Based Argument, let’s get down to the ninja know-how of transforming the EBA into the white lotus of intimacy.

Beverly Hills and Valencia Psychotherapy Step 1: Stay calm and breathe.

This one is really important! You don’t need to be a psychologist to know that any immediate response that comes to you will always be the wrong thing to say! Just breathe and give yourself a moment to regroup.

Beverly Hills and Valencia Psychotherapy Step 2: Apologize.

Yes, I know you haven’t done anything that would require an apology. If you need my psychotherapist empathy here – you got it. This is one of the instances where it is better to be smart, than right, wouldn’t you agree? The alternative is an escalating negative feelings and mutual resentment. Pick your poison. My sincere recommendation, not just as a psychotherapist, but also as a husband,  is to apologize first, and ask questions later.

Here is a more specific couples counseling and marriage counseling trick for you: nice way to apologize without knowing what you are apologizing for is – “I didn’t mean to make you upset – I am sorry.” Another one is – “ You are right. I should have done that. I am sorry.” Your partner expects anything but an apology, so by surprising them with your sincere apology, you immediately defuse the situation.

The caveat is that the apology has to be sincere. Your partner knows you well and trying to wiggle your way out of this one by offering quick “sorry!” will not do. As a matter of fact, you can always apologize for the negative feeling they are currently experiencing, and move to the step #3.

Beverly Hills and Valencia Psychotherapy Step 3: Ask questions.

Now it is the right time to find the issue behind the bad feelings your partner seems to experience. Be gentle and loving when you do this, and avoid implying that your spouse has a problem. Instead, ask them what has been going on and whether there is something that makes them upset. Point out that you want to know to make things better for both of you. Let your partner think about it, or cool off if they need to. You can offer them to talk later today. It is a bad idea to postpone the conversation to another day. Tomorrow never comes.

Beverly Hills and Valencia Psychotherapy Step 4: Talk about it.

I am a psychologist and a psychotherapist, and despite the common belief, I do not like “talking about it” either. It is the outcome of the talk that I enjoy the most. You know whether the talk was a success by the result of the conversation with your spouse. If you feel connected and your understanding of your partner increased – Excellent! You are a certified relationship ninja!

The goal of a conversation is to increase your understanding of your partner. Find out what is the source of the distress, irritability, anger, sadness, etc. In case the root is in your relationships or marriage, discuss ways to resolve the issue and be even more fulfilled together. If the root is in the stressors that are personal to your partner, such as her or his career, for example, talk about what can be done to reduce your partner’s stress at home. Discuss different ways to make things better and notice how good it feels to be connected, working together on the same team, increasing your mutual happiness.

This is one of the ways of transforming unpleasant and potentially toxic relationship waste into an eco-friendly source of infinite joy, fulfillment, and happiness in you relationships!

Psychotherapist Point 1: You are emotionally grounded and resilient.

We live in a high speed, high contrast world. An ocean of people, real or virtual, surrounds us at all times. Our friends, family, and media are attempting to sway us one way or another, change our opinions, perceptions, decisions, and choices. Most of people around you do not have the clear and solid internally driven focus to prevent themselves from being tossed and turned by the waves of fads and trends. Like a ship in a stormy oceanthey are dragged by external forces having little hope of establishing their own course and reaching desirable destination.

You, on the other hand, now have one of the keys to hold your ground. By establishing your internally driven focus and grounding yourself in self-appreciation, it is easy to let the outside storm take its course, while you are pursuing the course of your own. Maintaining the attitude of self-appreciation will protect you from being dragged into the every-day drama of emotional reactivity. All of a sudden it will be much less important what others think or say about you, and much more important what is it that you think about yourself. Before you know it, the outside storm will cease to exist for you, and your world will maintain an even kilt on your path of self discovery and growth.

In relationships, the attitude of self-love and self-appreciation allows us to withstand the ebb and flow of emotions between us and our lover. It is the anchor that prevents the occasional miscommunications and misunderstandings to drift into the waters of emotional drama. In my couples counseling and marriage counseling practice in Beverly Hills and Valencia I rarely see individuals who have developed strong internal anchor. These individuals and couples usually do not need psychotherapy or couples counseling. Self-love and respect protects us from getting upset, disappointed and hurt easily. It is the buffer that allows the internal space for the intimacy and love to grow in our relationships and marriage. You can think of it as a protective cushion around your heart, protecting it and allowing it to shine with confidence, nurturing not only you, but also you partner and the love between the two of you.

Psychotherapist Point 2: You have compassion for yourself and for your lover.

Attitude of self-love and self-appreciation allows you to have a tolerant stance toward your own human faults and toward those of others. You understand and appreciate the fact that we all are on our path toward the better and greater us. The only difference is that you might have not yet learned what others already know, or others might be behind you in their learning of certain life aspects. In couples counseling and marriage counseling mutual appreciation and understanding means resolution and happy relationships. Life is just like an elementary school: you were better than others in some things, and with some subjects you might have needed a bit more time and guidance. Understanding it helps us recognize the faults in us and in our lovers as natural, and accept it for what it is – being human.

Once we recognize and accept our own shortcomings, it is easy to have an attitude of humor and lightness when others point those out to us. It becomes just a part of who we are, and we are to decide whether to change it, or just let ourselves be. Once we accept our own quirks, it is easy to accept those of others, including those of our lovers and partners. We are able to recognize our own imperfections, and are comfortable with others being imperfect as well. I cannot recall if I saw this one couple in Beverly Hills or Valencia office, however, they brought up an issue that reminded me of my own life. Specifically, I am not a morning person and tend to wake up around 9:00am. When I do wake up on the weekends, I love to cuddle and spend some lazy time in bed. My spouse is up at 7:00 am and ready for action, which leaves no space for my delicious lazy time. Of course, I have the option of pouting, blaming, and accusing my spouse of not carrying, etc., which would open the door for the emotional drama in my marriage. Or, I can simply express my wish of having a morning cuddle-time. Our differences provide an opportunity for communication and stronger connection.

Psychotherapist Point 3: You are able to take an objective look at yourself and grow.

By loving yourself and accepting who you are, you shift from focusing on external validation and feedback, to internal core of you. You know that we all have plenty of room for improvement in any given area of our lives, and you also know that you have come a long way, and there is an unfolding path in front of you – the path you are taking right now. You realize that personal growth is not about judgment, but understanding. You know that your shortcomings are just obstacles on your path toward the better and greater version of you. They are indicators that you are progressing on your path.

Once you are grounded in self-acceptance and love it is so much easier to look at your flaws, accept them for what they are, and make a choice. Sometimes the choice may be to take one of your weak areas and put an effort to strengthen it. Sometimes, the choice may be to make the fault into an asset, and sometimes, just accepting it for what it is and making a choice to put your energy somewhere else is the right choice to make. Whatever it is that you choose, coming from a place of love and appreciation allows you to look at yourself with a more objective eye, which is a huge step on your path of personal growth.

In couples counseling, marriage counseling, and psychotherapy a large part of the work is to bring the client to the point of acceptance and appreciation. It also  means being able to take responsibility for the choices you have made and actions you have taken. Once you accept personal responsibility for your successes as well as your failures, you are much more likely to have more of the first ones, and less of the second. For example, you meet someone and the initial surge of infatuation takes you to all new heights. On the second date you are observing the couples around you, contemplating marriage. All of a sudden, you future spouse disappears. No phone calls, 3 un-returned texts, and a big question mark – wtf happened? I am guessing all of us found ourselves in this type of conundrum. Although there is “no sugar in this pill,” it is much easier to swallow with a healthy dose of self-appreciation. When we love and appreciate who we are, this type of blows in a dating game are much easier to handle, understanding that it is not all about us, and that sometimes one door has to be shut for the next one to open. Will it make the situation more pleasant? Nope. However, it will make it much less distressing.

Psychotherapist Point 4: Your balanced and harmonious self is inviting more of the same to come to you.

Once you ground yourself in self-love and self-appreciation, you come across as balanced, grounded, confident, mature, and solid. This quality of energy in your presence is very appealing to your potential lovers. In relationships when given a choice between solid vs. flimsy, trustworthy vs. flaky, confident vs. insecure, we tend to choose the first over the second. Not only that, but also same invites more of the same. Have you noticed that the more hectic and scattered you feel the more hectic and scattered things get around you? The opposite is true as well. Having internally focused presence grounded in self-appreciation and self-respect will bring more of it to you. In my marriage counseling practice both in Beverly Hills and Valencia I noticed that toward the end of our work together my clients present as calmer, more grounded, easier to smile, more focused and more alive. You are much more likely to attract loving and grounded partners and interactions when you are in a loving and grounded internal space. This attitude opens many doors for fruitful romance, prosperous future relationships, and even marriage. After all, couples that combine two confident, secure, respectful, appreciative, and loving individuals are much more likely to create the relationships and marriage you have in mind.

There are probably many more important reasons to start your quest of the wonderful relationships you want with yourself, by developing the attitude of self-love and self-appreciation. I know you are a curious and intelligent reader that is very capable of filling the blanks and getting the bigger picture. I opened the Part I of this article with Deepak Chopra’s lyrics “A Gift of Love” and I would like to finish this part with Kahlil Gibran’s words on couples in marriage:

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.

“A Gift of Love” by Deepak Chopra

So often have I heard from marriage counseling and couples counseling experts, as well as couples themselves – “To love someone else, you have to love yourself first,” and the question on my mind always was – “WHY?” Why is it thatI need to love myself in order to be able to love someone else, and what does loving yourself mean? How do I know whether I do or do not love myself?  I mean, if I am certain that I do – this is great! I am ready for love, baby! But what if I find myself falling short of total love for myself? What’s then? Can this insufficiency be remediated or am I forever doomed to a loveless existence? “Forever” is an awfully long time…This was a bit of a concern for me. As a psychologist and a psychotherapist I am supposed to have all the answers, don’t I… I was determined to reach an understanding not only for myself, but also for my couples counseling clients in Beverly Hills and Valencia. We all deserved to know!

You have probably noticed by now that all my articles have one core focus: couples, love, intimacy, relationships, marriage, and sex.  These are the core issues we tend to address in couples counseling and marriage counseling. These are not just my favorite things to write about. These are the things I dedicated most of my life studying, experiencing, and understanding. Some find their passion in cars, bungee jumping, shoes, traveling, sports, and food.  My passion is the passion itself. The emotional intensity of an intimate connection with a beloved human being is beyond anything else I have ever experienced.

I was super-motivated to get to the bottom of the issue: Why is loving myself is so important for me to be able to create a loving relationships and genuinely love another. I am sharing my insights accumulated from personal experience, from many marriage counseling and couples counseling sessions, and from all the written material my unconscious mind digested in my lifetime. My hope is to show you a shortcut on your path toward the happy relationships you want. Thanks to the wonders of blogging now you do not have to live in Beverly Hills or Valencia for me to share my insights with you. If love is what you seek, follow me in the labyrinth of self-discovery and love shall be your prize.

First, I had to get clarity regarding the meaning of “self-love.” If I like my eyes, does it mean I love myself? If I don’t like my singing voice (and trust me when I say you would not like it either) does it mean I do not love myself? Does an objective judgment of my shortcomings mean lack of self-love? I know for a fact that I cannot sing, I am a rather average driver, my memory for faces is not so good (which for psychologist and a psychotherapist can be a problem and it got me into all kind of awkward situations on numerous occasions), my athletic abilities fall far behind those of some of my buddies, my math skills are only a bit above average, etc. Does knowing these things mean I do not appreciate who I am? No – it does not. Loving who I AM is different from loving what I HAVE or DO.

Having the body that you want and enjoying it is different from loving who you are. Let’s say you have a beautiful body, everyone can see how attractive you are, and you get plenty of attention from people due to the simple fact that you are hot. Great! Maintaining good shape and healthy, attractive body is something we can choose to do. It is something you DO and HAVE, not who you ARE. If, for any number of reasons, you temporarily gain a few pounds and find yourself to be out of shape, it does not necessarily change who you are. It is likely to change your perception of your body, but not of who you are.

So your body is not who you ARE. What about your personality and behavior? Let’s say you walk on the street and notice someone donate $100 to charity. You might think this person is good-hearted and very generous individual. Than you come to know that this person is a very wealthy drug dealer and is making on average $10,000 a day. This information is likely to change your idea of who this person is – a dangerous mobster, who is probably responsible for many crimes in the area. Your attention shifts and you notice two tidily dressed and well-behaved girls standing next to this individual – undeniable resemblance makes it obvious these are his or her daughters. The girls are laughing and enjoying the company of their parent. You also become previewed to the fact that this person spends a significant amount of time and money helping his or her elderly parents, paying for their health expenses, house maintenance, food, and vacations, to make sure they enjoy their old age.

We are so very tempted to make a swift judgment regarding this person and his/her personality based on one of the behaviors described above, however, different behaviors lead us to different, and at times opposite conclusions. So is this person good or bad, immoral and callous or loving and caring? There is one key principles of NLP (neurolinguistic programming) that I share with my marriage counseling clients and would like to share with you as well: We are not our behavior. Does not matter whether you are in Beverly Hills, Valencia, London, or Hong Kong, your behavior is not who you are, because you are more than your behavior. If yesterday I was asked to donate and refused, but today I was asked to donate and I did, it does not mean that yesterday I was stingy, and today I became generous, does it? The behavior itself could have nothing to do at all with my personality or who I am. So my behavior is not who I am and I am not my behavior.

What about our personality? Is our personality who we are? Our culture and language tends to equate the two. For example we say I AM intelligent, funny, outgoing, stubborn, etc, clearly describing personality traits as who we ARE.  However, the only way to infer about one’s personality is by the behaviors we produce, choices we make, and things we express. Some psychologists and psychotherapists would probably agree that we ARE our personality. Here I would like to propose that we posses a much deeper aspect of ourselves that goes beyond our personality and our behavior – an aspect of us that is permanent and is not subject to change. Since both our behavior and our personality are subject to change, these are unlikely to be our core-self. So what is?

This is the place where we step onto the fringe of my area of expertise as a psychologist and a psychotherapist. This is the arena of Spirituality and I intend to leave you to do the soul searching on your own. Whatever is the answer you come up with, and whatever you find to be the core of your being, you are right. To offer you a possible direction, I can point out to the common core essence shared by all humans, such as freedom of choice, free will, creativity, interconnectedness (the deep feeling of being a part of something bigger), etc. These elements are not subject to change and seem to be part of a deeper core nature of our being, aka – who we ARE.

Connection with and appreciation of that deeper and bigger part of you is, in my humble opinion, the true definition of self-appreciation and self-love. Appreciating and loving ourselves is appreciating and loving the core of our being, the essence of us, whatever we feel and think it to be. Becoming aware of this deeper part of us and maintaining this awareness throughout our daily lives is a huge step toward a wonderful relationships with ourselves and with that special someone. My own affirmation that reminds me of that connection sounds something along the lines of: “I am always grounded in self-love, self-appreciation, and self-respect.” You can think of other ways to remind yourself of your true self and maintain your connection with the bigger part of you. I promise to write more about developing and strengthening this connection, as well as self-love and self-appreciation in one of my next articles. And now, let’s talk specifics – Why is it important to love yourself in order to be able to love someone else? Continue to Part II.